This enormous, faceless slug-like creature thrashes about, torn in every direction at once by its four writhing spines. Its fleshy body is pocked with flailing arms and mumbling, almost humanlike mouths.
Covfefe (CR 5)
CE Large aberration
Init:+6 Senses: blindsense 60 ft. Perception: +3
AC 18, touch 12, flat-footed 16 (+2 Dex, +6 natural); fortification (50%); all-around vision
hp 52 (6d8+25); regeneration 5 (fire, good, law)
Fort: +9, Ref: +6, Will: +10
Immune: cold, negative
Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee 3 flailing arms +8 (2d6+5 plus negative press)
Space 10ft., reach 10ft.
Special attacks: Negative press
Spell-like abilities (CL 4th, concentration +7)
At-will: ghost sound, ventriloquism, chill touch (DC 14)
2/day: hideous laughter (DC 15)
1/day: touch of idiocy (DC 15)
Str: 20, Dex: 14, Con: 20, Int: 4, Wis: 14, Cha:16
Base Atk +4, CMB +10, CMD 22 (can’t be tripped)
Feats: Improved Initiative, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (flailing arms)
Skills: Climb +14, Escape Artist +8, Perception +3
Languages: The covfefe can speak any language, but only maddening gibberish; it understands none of them.
Negative Press (Su): Creatures struck by a covfefe’s thrashing limbs suffer under a fragment of the crushing negativity that defines its existence. When a creature is damaged by a covfefe’s flailing arms, it must succeed at a DC 15 Fortitude or suffer as if compressed by a personally heightened field of cruel gravity: the creature’s speed is halved, cannot run or charge, and suffers a -6 penalty to Strength and Dexterity checks and attack rolls, as if exhausted. In addition, this ability heightens the effectiveness of necromantic spells cast upon the affected creature, causing 2d6 force damage if the creature suffers any negative energy damage from any source. This effect lasts until the affected creature takes any morale bonus, or until the affected creature takes 1 hour of complete rest.
Organization: solitary, pair, or cabinet (3-12)
These hideous monstrosities, writhing always in a powerful confusion and hatred for their own twisted bodies, are what results when transformation rituals go wrong. Whether intending to glorify themselves or transform favored servants into more powerful forms, when a wizard fails in their spellcasting, the creature may be torn apart and reforged as a hideous amalgam of lips and fingers that knows nothing but the agonizing shame of its own revolting body. Most covfefes are slain minutes after their twisted birth, but a few may escape into the countryside where they inflict suffering on every living thing they find as if in cruel justice for their own malformed existence. When they band together, it is only to inflict greater pain on a greater swath of unfortunate earth – a covfefe’s hatred of its own kind is only slightly less than its hatred of everything else.
In battle, a covfefe will charge ahead, heedless of the damage done to its body – and indeed, its twisted regeneration will heal any damage not caused by fire or the forces of pure goodness and law. A covfefe will strike at the first thing it sees, instinctively casting hideous laughter if it is too far away to crush, and wailing away at its opponent with an almost random variation of flailing limbs and malignant spell-like abilities. A covfefe is only truly dead when burnt to a cinder or exorcised by the forces of good; even so much as a vial of holy water poured upon the twitching corpse will be enough to extinguish its mutant malice, but few can stand its revolting presence enough to afford it even that small blessing.
(look at me, I’m topical!)